Today is strange. Today is tough. Today feels foreign and I’m nauseas, like I’m on a rocking ship at sea and the waves won’t stop. I’m homesick. I miss NYC. I miss my friends. I feel very far away today, and as a very physical person, that’s hard. I woke up needing to tell the people closest in my life how much I miss them and want to be with them today. It was instinct to grab my phone and reach out. Thank the goddesses that we live in the age of technology and staying connected is that easy.
There’s no separating yourself from the electric currents running through the collective today. It’s that easy to tap into. All this energy is obvious and out in the open. You can feel it on the most microscopic level. All feelings are amplified for me today. I got a notification on my phone from an app I use to track my menstrual cycle, and it said, “your new cycle is about to begin”, and how ironic is that… Because today is all about beginnings. Not just in regards to America, but also, in my personal life… and even in my body, apparently. Within all these new beginnings is a deep sense of uncertainty. But I’m fired up and I’m strong because I know better than ever who I am, and it all just keeps unfolding. I have no idea what the fuck is going on. Anyone promising doom and anyone promising that everything is just dandy is delusional. We don’t know what the future holds and to promise anything is silly. All I know is uncertainty. That’s all I know. And I’m sitting with the discomfort of that. I’m using that uncertainty to get clear with myself about what kind of life I want to create for myself and in turn, what kind of world I want to live in.
One thing I’m certain about is how much I miss my friends and home in New York City today. I’m sure the energy there is bonkers right now and I wish I could transport myself there for the day. I feel connected to my friends. I know how fired up they all are right now and I wish I could be there to hug them and smoke a joint and talk about the world and tear shit up.
The end of the summer 2016 brought on a lot of confusion for me in regards to where my life was headed. I wanted to feel security… not just financial security, but the security of the approval of others… and what a poison that is... What a way to forget about yourself… to live your life for others. The idea of, hey, I HAVE A REAL GROWN UP JOB felt good, and it definitely works for a lot of people, but I don’t think that’s really my personal path. As I tried on those clothes, I realized they didn’t fit me, and I felt even more confused… and insecure. And I was like, who the fuck am I? What am I supposed to be doing? (by the way, I still kind of ask those questions on the daily lol) And I was feeling more creative than ever and I thought, hmmm maybe I should follow this flow, even though the path is foggy, unclear, unwalked. And finally, I decided, no excuses. I’m going to at least go for it. And maybe I’ll fail, but I’m not going to halfway dip my toes; I’m jumping in… naked. And I’ve committed myself to uncertainty. I know what I want in feelings. I have big dreams. But I don’t want them to keep existing in my mind and in my heart, living in some future scenario. It’s time to tether a rope to the future and pull it down into the present. And so I decided to challenge myself. Cut myself off from the beautiful distraction of NYC for just a short time, and work on this book I started to write. It’s a mountain in my mind. Larger than any mountain I’ve ever climbed, but I’m just gonna at least go for it. I’m scared to even talk about it sometimes because what if I can’t do it and then I fail? Well, I guess it’s possible. But I think being open about it helps hold me accountable and motivated, but more importantly, I’m trying to be vulnerable. I want other people to feel like it’s okay to go for whatever they want, even if it’s a little bit wacky. I’ll be wacky with you. I got you. Let’s be terrified together. It’s now or never.
So today is my first day of sitting down and having a full day of writing in my little retreat. Today I start putting some flesh on the bones. I grew up on dystopian fiction. I loved Ayn Rand and Aldous Huxley and I can definitely feel their influence in the story I’m embarking to tell. And like most dystopian worlds, there’s a sense of uncertainty and strangeness… and that’s exactly what’s going on today. Uncertainty and strangeness. I feel as though we’re all children and our parents left us with a babysitter who is high on meth and mentally unstable… and it’s like, uhhhh, are we gonna be okay? Is our house gonna burn down? What do I do? Where’s my mom and dad? Yeah, that’s the feeling.
The earth is rumbling beneath me, the air is foggy, and deafening thunder rings through my ears. I stand here on a rock, trying to find my stillness. My clarity. A sense of direction. And I carry on into the life I want to create for myself. I am part of this world. There is no separating myself from it. I care about this planet and the people and creatures on it, because I am, in the smallest of ways, just a reflection of all of that.