The only reason I’m writing this now, is because, in a way, it’s already been written. And now the words are jumping off the walls of my mind like wild children wanting attention. So in honor of truth, I will write the words that wish to be spoken to the best of my ability.
Once something is understood, comprehended, not just in the mind, but in the emotions, in the deepest layers of the self, it has to be creatively expressed somehow. It’s as if that creativity and expression anchors the truth deeper within the person to then be embodied. Consider whatever I’m about to write to be part of that process.
Here I am, sitting on the porch of my apartment I’m renting in the pristine, and still-beauty of the Himalayan mountains. Behind me is a fog, covering the snow-capped mountain peaks. Even with the fog there, I know what beauty lies beyond, because I’ve seen it, and I have yet to see more. Every time I look up, I see at least 5 eagles circling the sky. It’s as if their sharp and elevated vision is encouraging my mind to zoom out. Encouraging my inner vision to see more. For my perceptions to encompass more and more truth.
Ever since I arrived in India, the number 13 has been following me everywhere. On my phone, in signs, in conversation, in dream time. I cannot escape it. And this number is not a number that I have ever felt has followed me anytime before this. As many people may know, on an esoteric level, 13 represents Death. And what a beautiful thing death is. And I’m not talking about the physical form withering and dying, though that can be beautiful too, I am talking about the death of everything you think you are and think that you know. To slowly begin chiseling away at the muddy rock, until you find the gold hidden within.
For a long time I’ve been approaching my spiritual work from the angle of needing to unhook myself from the lies. To unhook myself from the ego and liberate the essence. All of this is absolutely correct, but this mind I possess thought it knew the path to this. The mind did help me here and there, but the mind seemed to be the one to take the leadership role of determining what needed to be worked on and when that process was finished. But that’s absurd. The mind’s only job in the deeper processes of birth and death (whether spiritual or physical) is to sit down, be silent, and enjoy a good cup of tea. The mind works really hard, in fact it overworks. It takes on other jobs that it’s not meant to. Let the mind rest! Let the mind have a nice massage and vacation. Let the heart and higher faculties do their job. Easier said than done, I have a long way to go.
In the recent months, when a test would come my way, my conscious mind handled it really well. Passed the test on paper in every which way. Turned the other cheek, held my tongue, let the other person believe what they will, even apologize for the other person’s delusions, when the moment called for it, to keep the peace, as there’s never anything to win or gain. The conscious mind understood my own mistakes and perhaps the illusions ruling over the other, and understood that everyone is doing their best. Nobody ever really wants to hurt anyone, but many people are hurt, and therefore they hurt others. Mind-level empathy. Most people can grasp this.
But my subconscious…. that’s another story. My subconscious was totally identified with what had occurred. Mulling over why I had been attacked. Judging the other person. Feeling like I’m a victim, especially because I’m always so nice! Haha. My subconscious was lacking comprehension. How I knew this was because on the conscious level, I passed everything, perfect grades, made logic and reason out of absurd situations, understood the other person even in their delusions. Walked away without a fight or gain. However, the occurrences would still pass my mind from time to time, and when they did, I would feel a sort of emotional pain or cringe. That’s how I knew there was still more work to do, but in the deeper sub-layers of the consciousness.
So I’d take it to meditation. Meditate on the occurrence. But nothing really would happen. I would end up meditating on other things, or letting meditation lead the way, which didn’t seem to want to focus on those particular occurrences. What ended up happening was I just spoke less and less about it, and time appeared to pass, so the distance between that occurrence seemed to grow further away from the conscious mind. But all that’s really happening is that it’s nestling deeper into the sub-layers and going into hiding. There’s no liberation there. I knew that time passing wasn’t the solution to this problem, but I also felt a bit lost in how to solve it.
After some time in India by myself, I’ve met up with a few friends who are also on their own path of self-realization. One of these particular friends, who is really a brother to me, is, let’s say, far more developed in his perception of Truth. He’s sharpened his vision like an eagle, and he helps me to sharpen mine. He’s been at it longer than me. It’s as if I’m at the gym, beginning to take on the heavier weights, and this dude is ripped, and as I’m getting stronger, slowly, I’m still learning to gain strength. But he’s also kind of like a coach or gym buddy who’s mere presence and experience acts as leverage to hone in on the inner Will to push myself farther than the day before.
We are so full of ignorance and duality. We are so full of desires and fears. All of these act as clouds, as a fog. But behind that fog is a beautiful mountain. That is the truth. Seeing truth is a muscle we have to strengthen. And even if we gain strength, start to get ripped, at any point we can lose motivation, and just stop going to the gym. Just stop working that muscle. Get hypnotized back in to the world of dreams. Of desires and fears. It’s so, so temping. True, that if one does return to the gym after having let their practice go, there’s some muscle memory there and you may be able to gain it back faster. But seeing reality for what it truly is, is no lazy feat. We have to keep working the muscle. Keep pushing ourselves further and further and never give up. Keeping motivation high no matter what. I basically just started with the heavier weights, but I am by no means, ripped at all. But my friend gives me a lot of motivation, and it’s my job to keep going, even after I adventure onwards.
Something that I’ve realized recently is that, rather than letting the mind focus on what’s “right” and “wrong”; what’s “fixed” and “unsolved”; what “needs to be worked on”; it just needs to let the inner eyes see what is true. It’s as easy as seeing the mountain, as the mountain is just there. There’s nothing I need to do to make it be there. It’s just that the fog of the mind needs to get out the way. What I was doing before was letting the mind focus so intensely on my own egos, my own karma, my own problems, how I manifested particular uncomfortable situations, and in doing so, I created a distance between myself and the truth. In a way, I let the mind identify with the ego saying “my ego”, as if it’s something to clench on to, something true in my identity. But there’s nothing inherently true about it. In fact, it’s made of lies. What I really needed, and what’s coming to me now, thanks to the encouragement of my friend, is that I just need to shift gears, focus on what Truth really is. Seek truth. Just rub my eyes a few times and clear away the fog. Be curious. Have fun. Truth is a joy. Why is everyone so serious? So dry? It makes me want to go around the world tickling every person with a resting bitch face. And with the light of truth, the unhooking from the lies becomes so much easier. So much quicker. Simpler. The comprehension just dawns on you, like the light of the sun shining as effortless as its own sunrise.
My friend recently read aloud a passage by Osho. I kept my eyes closed and listened like a child listening to a fairy tale. Totally receptive. The passage contained so much mind-obliterating truth that to even trying to retell it would be absurd. But there was one point in the passage where Osho speaks of how he gave some of his students a mala with his photograph on it and told the students to meditate on the photo. That the photo holds a key.
Had I been listening only with the mind active, I would have been confused by this… meditate on a photo of a teacher? Well that seems egoic of the teacher to do. A key to what? Tell me, tell me! I wonder what I’ll see if I look into Osho’s eyes in the photo…
The good thing was, I wasn’t listening with an active mind, but a passive one.
That night, the essence of what Osho contains inside visited me in a very vivid dream. And my mind still doesn’t understand the dream, which is so much fun! Because my heart completely feels it, yet I have no way of describing it, or even thinking of it, and no way on earth could ever explain it. But I feel it. It makes me smile. It makes me laugh. It feels liberating because I can touch the truth behind it, like a birthday present I’m slowly unwrapping.
I’m sitting by a river, which seems to be the Ganga, but not necessarily. It’s day time and beautiful. There’s some people near by but I don’t really know them. Suddenly, I see a coffin floating on the river headed down stream toward me. It washes up on shore. And immediately I open it. It is Osho… but with his guts removed. His insides are basically hanging out, yet on his face he is blissful and smiling. He is both alive and dead… yet neither alive and neither dead. I cannot describe it better than that. But I can feel that bliss. Somehow, I know he had done this to himself, almost like a prank on the world. A little joke that only he and a few others would understand. My mind doesn’t get it, but my heart totally does. And I can’t help but laugh and smile with him. The people in the distance come closer and I realize they’re followers or admirers of Osho. They are disgusted at the site of wretched death! They are freaking out and frantically discussing what to do with their beloved teacher’s body. They must honor the body! Make a ceremony! Everything must be done correctly, and seriously too! But there’s this moment with me and this great teacher, that’s kind of like, a wink from him, as if to say, I knew you’d pick up on the joke.
I still don’t fully understand in the mind what it means, but when I woke up, the story of meditating on the mala with his photograph was absolutely hilarious. I couldn’t stop laughing. It was like his photo was meaningless. There’s no real meaning in his form. What needs to be perceived is emptiness. And in a way, I still can’t stop laughing about this and I still can’t fully describe why. My friend here has also helped me to begin to grasp the concept of silence behind sound, and the emptiness behind form. I’ve always been looking AT things. At concepts. At beliefs. At ideas. At people. But I’ve never really looked into them… deeper into them, to extract the truth and let go of the form. In the dream, a gutted dead body, especially from someone you admire, is disgusting and horrifying… but it’s not real. It’s not who he is. He is not the form. In fact, nothing is. This is to see beyond duality. Beyond the endless loop of good and evil, right and wrong, and just see the truth of reality. I’m just at the beginning. The fingers of my heart have simply brushed up against all this. I’m gaining strength, but it’s through the joy of it that motivates me to keep going. To keep pushing further. It’s the joy. It’s the blissful, clever smile on Osho’s face. And it’s the laughter that erupts in me that makes me want to know this much, much deeper.
Recently, my friend and I were at a bus station in India waiting to catch a long, overnight bus. It was definitely one of the most hectic places I’ve ever been. The two of us, wearing loads of colorful clothing and looking pretty damn European, definitely stuck out. I guess some of the people there had never seen anyone from anywhere else. So we were getting a lot of stares and funny interactions. Loads of people wanting to take pictures with us and talk to us. At one point, there was an older man and his son or grandson, who seemed to be about three years old. He was so cute, but the poor boy was being dragged by his father to us. He didn’t want to be there. His father was forcing him onto our laps to take pictures incessantly. He was forcing him to bow and say namaste. He was dragging the poor boy by his arm in every which way. I tried to explain to the man to stop. That the boy didn’t want to do these things. That he’s just a child and he’s scared of us. I mean, imagine that, we looked so different and all the sudden he’s being forced to sit on these two strangers’ laps. He was visibly scared. Consciously, I kept calm, said what needed to be said, but also realized I have no control over other people. I am not God and cannot control the trajectory of their lives or which families each person is born into. But subconsciously, I was very bothered. I did not like seeing a young child be so pushed around and forced into doing things they don’t wish to do and that scare them. To be threatened with punishment if they don’t bend to the will of the insane person taking care of them. That’s all dualistic judgement, even though it’s true on the most basic level. Don’t get me wrong, I will speak up when necessary if I look at something that’s not right… but if I look into it, well, that’s different. That’s the next level.
Meanwhile, the man would not leave me and my friend alone. I’m pretty sure he was only speaking Hindi to us. It was very unclear what he wanted… I think he wanted to invite us over to his house, or take a bunch of pictures to prove and document this meeting, or perhaps he wanted some other things entirely. Either way, it was as if he couldn’t even conceptualize the fact that people from other places don’t speak the same language as him and we could not understand a single thing he was trying to say. But he was trying to say it, nonetheless.
Days later, in meditation, it dawned on me. All these things seemed to come together.
In the recent occurrences I’ve been “attacked”, I’ve been so busy wondering what I had done to manifest such a situation… What karma I must hold to attract such occurrences… What I need to do to remove such defects from my inner world… Well behind all these questions is a mind game that wishes to punish. It’s good to take responsibility, because we truly are responsible, especially the more and more we wish to awaken. However, it wasn’t until meditation, that it dawned on me, that in these “attacks”, it was as if a dog I was feeding bit my hand. And bit hard. And while I walked away feeling bad for the dog, but also never wanting to interact badly with another dog again, and confused over what I may have done to upset the dog, I suddenly realized, that it’s not about me. Not in the way my mind has been thinking it is… Those occurrences specifically were not only about my defects… what they were was practice! If I want to see truth, live in truth, and maybe help others find their own, well I sure am going to ruffle a few feathers along the way. Because the ego and mind do not like truth. They do not like reality. Truth is a medicine and some medicines interact badly with certain systems depending on how clogged and polluted the system is. That’s fine. It was as if my highest self dropped the bombshell on me, “This was practice. This was nothing. Whatchu on about? If you actually want to self-realize, if you actually want to transcend dualistic perceptions, not everyone is gonna like it or receive it well. Get used to it. ” I love that kind of sting. What a relief, in a way. Rather than the mind reading into it so deeply. All it was, was practice to not get identified. Because if I’m identified with the attacks, I am certainly identified with praise too, no matter how humble I convince myself I am. It’s all just fog amongst the mountains.
And the next level to this is, perhaps you can love the dog that bit you after you’ve walked away and you’re safe… but can you love the dog that bites your hand? Can you love him in the moment that your hand is in his jaws? To me, this is Mastery. This is Truth. This is the goal. I may see the mountain, but I’ve yet to start climbing.
My friend recently spoke to me how the essence is like a child and to truly individualize is to become a child again, but with total awareness. To become innocent again through awareness, not just naivety. This is the next revolutionary stage of the human. And again, it dawned on me… That little boy at the bus station is the essence, and that man, his father is the mind. I am that man! Who am I to judge him? I do exactly the same as he does! I allow my mind to push around my essence, I allow the ego to abuse the essence against its divine Will. I have allowed the balance of powers to get out of hand. All the evil we perceive in the world is within us. But so is the goodness. And beyond all that, is the truth.
I’m so grateful to my friend and his insights. I’m grateful for him showing me the map. The age of the Guru is over. The age of friends (and gym buddies) is here. It is the age of Aquarius. Anything is possible. We’re all interconnected globally. Aquarius is the water-bearer and also represents the domain of friendship. So if we can all help each other out with our own unique gifts, knowing that nobody is better than anyone else, if we can leave each place we visit a little cleaner, if we can make the path easier for the next person, let’s do that. That’s true friendship. That’s the true Aquarian spirit.
Trying to find the truth is somehow hilarious. Because everyone is so serious about it. But I think the big cosmic joke that I’m still unboxing is that it’s right here, right now. Well, jokes on me. I certainly have been running around frantically searching for the keys which I have yet to discover, even though they are probably right in my pocket. Once I have them, I’ll just laugh and walk right through the gate. Gate, gate, paragate parasamgate bodhi swaha.