i’ve always had a special connection to numbers. some sort of variation of synesthesia. i remember small and large number patterns without consciously trying. even if someone told me their birthday 10 years ago and i don’t even know their name, i’ll still remember their birthday, that number. that energetic signature. my mom has this same strange psycho-spiritual brain synesthetic connection as well. people who know me well, know this strange ability of mine. for me, in this bizarre connection i’ve always had, numbers are living, conscious beings. they have colors, emotions, and feelings associated with them. they are codes and symbols to a deeper language our average consciousness does not understand. they speak some universal metaphysical spiritually-scientific language we haven’t yet reached in awareness. but i can feel into them. i like the energy of some numbers better than others. i tend to gravitate toward odd numbers and struggle more with even numbers.
in just two days from now, i cross the pearly gates into my 30s. my 30th birthday. weird. for the past 10 years, i have been twenty-something. twenty-this, twenty-that. but now i’m almost thirty. an even number, which i don’t tend to resonate with usually… but when i look at 30, i see 3-0. three and some empty space to play with. and i love 3. one of my favorite numbers. it feels initiatory, yet child-like and pure. it is dynamic and energetic. and it is a certain shade of orange. there is something magical about 3. because in a way, one and one is three. one human and another human can create another being. it is alchemical by nature. it is creative on its own. so then what about 30… in astrology, there are 30 degrees in every sign. when you reach 30, you enter a new archetype, a new zodiac sign. the wheel turns once again. it is an initiation into a new aspect of the godhead. there’s a power behind this number, something fresh and new.
a lot has been coming up the past month especially in regards to this approaching solar return. it feels like it will be a big letting go, but right now it’s all just building up at peak capacity. often in society, there’s some sort of self-deprecating humor around this number. that’s garbage, though, and i cannot relate to that. perhaps it’s self-deprecating if you’re so far from living your truth.
every year of my 20s, especially after turning 24, i found myself more and more. living life in a slightly increasing liberation than i ever had before. building a trust with the universe that i will be held as i veered farther and farther away from the boundaries of my perceptions of safety and security. and that trust has only increased. it wasn’t this way for many years. for many years i battled with fear of the future verse trust. and while i still feel fear quite intensely at times, while it still tests me very often, i feel the trust has grown stronger and stronger. and somehow, birth has led the way. often births i’ve attended of magical little people entering this world, but also through that, many births of my own self.
but 30 is new. i’ve never been 30 anything before. not as felicia, at least. i don’t know what 30 feels like. some grief around the heart has come up in the past month. things i thought were of the past, coming back up to be seen and released. and it took a lot of tears and ritual to let them go. they were urging to be released before this birthday. firmly asking to be let go as they were of the trials and tribulations of my 20s. a veil had thinned between my mind, womb, and heart and there was an opportunity to feel some pain that had been tucked away. and i fully went there. i’m glad i did, because with the help of my favorite plant friend, the rose, and some dear sisters, i had courage to feel what i hadn’t had courage to feel back then. echoes of past grief, some knowable and some to remain a mystery. i still feel loads of tears coming, like there is a divine opportunity at the edge of 30 let go of all grievances, expectations, and burdens i had tucked into my conscious, but mostly subconscious of my 20s, and start fresh. maybe part of this build up the past month or so was feeling unready to let these things go. but now that i have, i already feel wings spreading farther than before. an ownership over my path that had really been brewing in the past few years.
so i wanted to revisit each birthday of my 20s, to see where i was at during this solar point in the year.
20th birthday:
i was living in the west village in nyc. amy winehouse had just died the previous day, the same day my mom flew in to surprise me and visit me. we are both huge fans of hers. i felt like i had lost a friend and my mom and i got to grieve together. at the same time i was feeling super extroverted and sexy. my hair was as long as it’s ever been, and even now, i’m growing it back out to what it was then. a bunch of my friends and i had dinner at a trendy italian restaurant in the village, my mom bought me heaps of clothes at free people and then i went out clubbing that night, haha.
21st birthday:
i was in kansas city visiting my parents for part of the summer. many of my high school friends were back for a little bit of that time too. my 21st birthday was the night before i had a flight to paris, so i didn’t want to turn up too hard. i was so excited to travel… traveling is my happiest place. my friends bought be a bunch of trashy 21st birthday paraphernalia and dressed me up in it. it was hilarious. we all went to a bar and they were bummed i wasn’t getting as drunk as society would have expected of me (the legal drinking age in america is 21, so this birthday is a big deal there), but i had my eyes set on flying far far away.
22nd birthday:
my boyfriend at the time and i had just moved into an apartment together alone in the neighborhood astoria in nyc. it was cool to have that space to ourselves. i through a big party with a bunch of my friends. loads of people came over. it was sort of a house warming party and birthday party all in one. i’m pretty sure i was drunk and probably stoned as well. i was wearing fucking amazing high waisted white pants with an orange bralette top… that i had bought that day, from free people of course.
23rd birthday:
i think i was a little bit bored in life at this point. something deep in my energetic layers was wanting to release that was taking time for me to understand. because of this, ages 21-23 kind of blend as one thing. they were rather slow moving. this birthday was chill and quiet. i was at my best friend arielle’s home in long island with her and my boyfriend. we ate the most amazing cake from milk bar. i don’t remember much more of this birthday.
24th birthday:
my golden birthday. born on the 24th, turning 24. oh wow. this one was huge. my whole life was about to change in ways i couldn’t even imagine yet. i had just separated (very harmoniously) from my boyfriend of 7ish years. my mom and i were in a super weird space. all my relationships were changing, especially to myself. i felt aspects of myself returning to me that i never even knew had left. i felt a high frequency energy just tingling, just beginning to buzz through my field, which would in a few months time from then, then lead to a kundalini awakening experience. i was on the precipice of a spiritual awakening and an initiation into a level a freedom that is still unfolding to this day. i felt like i was lighter than a feather and everything was perfect. of course this wouldn’t last forever, but it was certainly present at the time. i invited a bunch of my friends to crown vic, a huge outdoor bar in williamsburg brooklyn. we reserved a huge part of the bar and it felt like everyone showed up. even my newly ex-boyfriend was there, and everyone was shocked we were so harmonious after the separation. i think he felt lighter as well. i drank a lot. i was celebrating and i had all the reason to celebrate.
25th birthday:
there was a festival on governors island in nyc called panorama. i went with a few friends and we were rolling high on mdma at the lcd soundsystem headliner show. it was fucking great. they became one of my favorite bands and live shows that night. i saw them again since then.
26th birthday:
i was in amsterdam. i was in love with the place for a long time and i was also falling in love with a man at the time, who’d be my partner for the next chapter. i was staying with my dear friends morgan and brad who live in amsterdam. it was low key, with a few old friends, new friends, and a new love. i really didn’t want that summer to end. i didn’t want to return to nyc. i was ready to be done with nyc, but it wasn’t done with me quite yet. there was some fear, but things were fresh.
27th birthday:
i was back in amsterdam. i had just arrived the day before. with my partner at the time and morgan and brad. we had a really nice dinner. i forced my partner to go see an creepy, scary, arthouse film with me that night… hereditary. i still remember he got me a few presents and one of them was sunglasses with an extra lens for the third eye. i loved that.
28th birthday:
the actual day itself was good. but this time in my life was not a breeze in the slightest. it was a hurricane of wind. it was a massive initiation. it was the tower card meets the wheel meets the star, crossed with the 3 of swords… i was riding the tidal waves of heartbreak and grief and also the universe was throwing my path right into my face and i was walking it, confused how all this order and chaos was simultaneously weaving itself together through my life at this very moment. the two weeks before this day, i was feeling so down and so sad that i was approaching my birthday and this sadness wasn’t going to magically leave. i was sad just anticipating being sad on my birthday. i have always loved my birthday, but at this point i wanted to crawl up in a ball and hide there. i was in so much pain. but then on july 10th, just 2 weeks before my birthday, something i had been waiting for for a long time arrived. something i had sort of let go of needing yesterday. it was my eu citizenship in lithuania. suddenly layers of the sadness lifted and i felt a warmth and triumph i hadn’t felt for a long time. i felt multiple doors swinging open for me. things began to get better at this point. it came just in time for my birthday. i felt my time in nyc was finally coming to an end with a new journey beginning on the horizon. on the day of my birthday, i had a picnic in williamsburg with some friends and then two of us went up to road to rough trade to see a gig of this turkish-dutch band from amsterdam called altin gün. it was packed and they were wicked. i had a lot of fun.
29th birthday:
i was just days away from finishing the entire camino del norte, the northern route of the camino de santiago. i was on the 25th or 26th day of my 32-day trek across the entire north coast of spain. the day before, i had broke off from the traditional route and went a slightly harder route with 3 other friends i had met along the way. on this day, in the morning, my friends had little cakes for me at this really cute albergue we were staying at. on my 29th birthday, i walked the longest i had walked in a given day… maybe ever. i think about 42km. it was also the most mountainous day of the camino. it was gorgeous and perfect, i had all the energy for it. most of it was spent trekking alone through mountains, but at certain stops, i’d meet up with my friends and at the end of the day we all came together. it was simple, but i was traveling a new part of the world by foot. it was a much more profound experience than i had expected.
so let’s see what this birthday brings. i am currently awaiting on the birth of a baby who i’ll be attending. he’s officially going to be leo and i can’t wait to witness his entry into this world. who knows, it’s a good chance he and i will share a birthday. can’t think of a better way to celebrate my 30th birthday than witnessing and holding space at somebody’s actual day of birth.
i love how birth leads the way in my life. it shows me where to go and what i need to do. it initiates me with wisdom that i couldn’t have known before. there is an acceptance for the cycles of birth, death, and rebirth. maiden, mother, crone. and that’s what 30 is. all of those together.
i’m excited to see what 30 brings me in my life. i feel it will be massive, different than all the 20s. if i had one wish for my 30th, it would be to fly, in all the ways possible.
aho!